In the fall of 2024 after some of the lowest points of my life after being exploited in every which way possible from my hacking incident, I was feeling extremely down. So down that I was drinking to numb the pain and at one point it got so painful that I didn’t want to be here anymore. I thought life was too hard to live through it all, and it has beat me mercilessly pretty much my whole life. But that, that past Summer had put me over the edge. There were so many things outside of my control that I could not easily handle.

When you are already dealing with chronic health issues, one of them being a mental health issue like Bipolar, it can be hard to find a happy medium. In my case, even more difficult as I have Narcolepsy, too. People think that those with Narcolepsy just fall asleep randomly or sleep too much, and in some instances, it can be the case. But for everyone with Narcolepsy, your brain enters REM sleep almost immediately upon falling asleep. People get this part confused because they think that is where the good sleep is. It’s not, and your body naturally has to go through phases of light rest to deep, restorative, brain repairing rest and REM in-between. And that is just the thing. Even if I slept twelve hours a night, I would still wake up feeling unrefreshed because my brain never hit the deep sleep stages, so I constantly end up with an ever accruing sleep dept. The Circadium Rhythm is dysfunctioning and the body doesn’t know the appropriate times to sleep or be awake. That would explain why I am typing this before 4AM. but my noon I was e a walking zombie. And to have Bipolar on top of Narcolepsy just means its that much easier to go into a manic episode, which for me is going too many days without sleep. I read that if someone without Narcolepsy goes three days without sleep, that is what I feel like every day when I wake up. That is the starting point. Well no wonder I am grouchy.

But for someone with Bipolar, to begin there is terrible because that means it takes less time of missed sleep to actually get me to a real manic episode-pressured speech, grandiose feelings, heightened awareness and then once I hit about five days with no sleep someone actually questions if I am on meth or not and I have blacked out and don’t even take responsibility for how I acted or things I said or did during that time because…..was I there? Was I there? No, usually I ‘come to’ in a mental hospital and try to put the blacked out pieces back together. It is a scary condition to have because I am normally extremely self-aware, but before being hacked, I had only had one manic episode and it scared me so much I refused to come off the medication. That’s why it really sent me for a loop during the time I was hacked and still having one but let’s face it. That is what my covert homicidal narcissist stalker wanted me to do was lose my mind and off myself. The entire public seemed like that is what they wanted to see happen to me. Being exploited like that and nobody outstretching an arm to help you and gaslight you into thinking it’s just another day when in reality a football stadium is voyeuring you in what you think is your private moments alone at home. How intrusive. No wonder I was paranoid. I was so overstimulated by the customers coming into my job saying sarcastic things and telling me I was a star and I am famous that it grew my paranoia. Add in that I was trying a new sleep medication and barely sleep for a week propelled the effect. Since I only had one manic episode and I felt in control most of the time and I was not off my meds I thought surely I was fine. But my self-awareness went out the window when I had periods of going in and out of mania while being way, way too overstimulated from the pressure from the people at my job using triangulation and I could see the envy in their faces if they saw me too happy, to experiencing some of the most unusual and bizarre synchornicities ever in my life and add to that the bullying and my paranoia rightfully skyrocketed and it was a recipe for disaster. It’s honestly a wonder why I didn’t have a complete psyche break. I could have been hospitalized for a month coming out of that and I am actually proud of myself that it didn’t get that bad, I was definitely the energizer bunny with a foul mouth and dark sense of humor and was acting quite odd and said and did things I regret, but I can’t even beat myself up for it because like I said, “I” wasn’t all there in my head the whole time being rational.

Because of the way it looked on the outside looking in, I almost wanted to disappear because of what other people thought of me. I felt so alone and had little to no friends. The one ‘friend’ who came over after my moon dream ended up being a thief, and the next one after that was who I believe to be a sex trafficking bait boy, and the next after that was an energy harvester. And, that is me in my right mind saying that and yes, I do believe those are all true and if I told you why I thought that so, I think most anyone would agree with me. Needless to say I now stay inside and keep to myself.

At the time I was so over it and I didn’t know how to fix the mountain of issues I was in. I felt like I was completely lost, hopeless, and in deep and dark despair with no one to reach out to for help. I remember standing in my kitchen, opening a cupboard and seeing medication bottles and looking at them, almost having a stare down if there was such a thing. I thought in my head momentarily how it could all be over that quick and I could peacefully go to sleep and never wake up if I just took all these pills. Then, my rational brain came into play and I was thinking, “I can’t do that. I don’t know if I would go to Heaven or be forgiven because it is not my place to take my own life and I have a family and that is selfish.”

I had a family friend commit suicide a few years back and I remember people saying it was selfish. I’m not saying it’s not, I am saying that I know how it feels to feel that there is literally no way out. You are in a dark box running out of oxygen and if you could find the opening you could breahte again and let some light in. I know what it feels like to be stuck in that box and to practically have claw marks on the side from trying to dig yourself out. I know what it feels like to think that life is not worth living and it’s a miserable existence anyway so – might as well cut to the chase right?

I picked up my phone and dialed 988. A lady answered and I told her verbatim, “I don’t think I would really do it because I have a family, but I just want to take all the pills in the house right now.”

“Well, we will be here, call us back if you decide you’re going to,” is how she replied.

Are you fucking kidding me; isn’t that what 911 is for? I thought to myself. I just said ok and hung up and sat there frozen, shaking my head like, wow, I couldn’t even get this woman to talk to me for FIVE FREAKIN’ MINUTES. Couldn’t even do that. I was so ashamed of every system set up to serve and protect me and every.last.one. failed me. And I haven’t even barely scratched the surface of that rabbit hole yet.

Thank God that was not the deciding day. Thank God that He stalled me, because I am now on the other side of that hump and I am making it one of my life’s purposes to call out every last one of these systems that failed me miserably.

Stay tuned.